The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

“Good grief,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”

“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

One Liner
A man walks into Doctor’s and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

Thought for the day
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many”(Mark 10:45 NIV).

When we begin to follow Jesus, he empowers us for a life of service. The more we become like Jesus, the more we will serve others.

SLEEPING IN THE BARN

A Congressman and two friends – a rabbi and a Hindu holy man – had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I’m grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the Congressman to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer’s door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood … the pig and the cow

One Liner
My memory is SO bad I changed my password to “incorrect.” That way when I enter the wrong one, it’ll tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.” (Luke 22:39 NIV)

The location where you have your quiet time is also important. Your place ought to be a secluded place. This is a place where you can be alone, where it’s quiet, and where you will not be disturbed or interrupted.

The chaplain at a local nursery/kindergarten meets with the three- and four-year-olds once a week to tell them a Bible story. After talking about the resurrection, the week after Easter, one of the youngsters thought about the story very carefully. Finally she raised her hand, and sounding just like a little old lady, she asked, “And just how is Jesus doing these days?”

(This was told to me, just this way, by the little old lady who just happens to be the chaplain at the nursery/kindergarten at the church in our town. She was happy to assure the little girl that Jesus was doing just fine.)

One Liner
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Thought for the day
“Let us give up our work, our thoughts, our plans, ourselves, our lives, our loved ones, our influence, our all, right into His hand, and then, when we have given all over to Him, there will be nothing left for us to be troubled about, or to make trouble about.” – James Hudson Taylor

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash.”

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”

With her last breath, Granny whispered, “Facebook…”

One Liner
It’s not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it’s how he found out.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV).

We must change the way we think

CONFUCIUS SAYS…..

“Man who run in front of car get tired”
“Man who run behind car get exhausted”
“Two wrongs not make a right – Three lefts do”
“Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.”
“War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.”
“Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”
“Man who sit on tack get point!”
“Man who lives in glass house should change in basement”

One Liner
I’m sorry the resurrection of Jesus was a miracle and not a service of this cemetery

Thought for the day
“If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work.” (2 Timothy 2:21 NLT)

God uses all kinds of vessels — big vessels and little vessels, ornate vessels and plain vessels, very expensive ones and very ordinary ones. But there is one thing God will not use: a dirty vessel. So if you’re going to be used by God, you have to do some cleanup.

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two “husband chairs” in a ladies’ clothing store.

After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow’s wife came out of the changing room again.

He looked at her and immediately said: “That looks good on you. Get that one.”

“Honey,” she replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”

One Liner
“Invent a wise saying and live forever!” – Anonymous

Thought for the day
“I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39 NLT).

Anyone who has accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior has no reason to be insecure. God will never stop loving you; he will never reject you. You may lose the things you have in this world, but you will never lose the salvation God has given to you.

“How did you lose your job at the dress shop?” a woman asked her friend.

“Well, after trying on about 25 dresses, the customer said to me, ‘I think I’d look nicer in something flowing.'”

“How did that get you fired?” she asked

I suggested, “How about the Mississippi?”

One Liner
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Thought for the day
“If we confess our sins to God, he will keep his promise and do right: he will forgive us our sins and purify us from all our wrongdoing” (1 John 1:9 TEV).

How do you do that? You do it through confession. Augustine said, “The confession of bad works is the beginning of good works.”