After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”

One Liner
A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.

Thought for the day
“Do yourself a favor and learn all you can; then remember what you learn and you will prosper” (Proverbs 19:8 TEV). The solution to most of life’s problems is training. So learn all you can.

A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged,
well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing
“Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals
each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the
man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, “I’m
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” she asks.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

One Liner
I’ve learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Thought for the day
People who excel keep their word. They are reliable. They can be counted on to do what they say they’ll do. They excel because people of integrity are rare in our society: “Everyone talks about how loyal and faithful he is, but just try to find someone who really is!” (Proverbs 20:6 TEV)

For the kid in all of us:

Q. What did the boy elephant say to the girl elephant on Valentine’s Day?
A. I love you a ton!

Q. What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle on Valentine’s Day?
A. You mean a great dill to me!

Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine’s Day?
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!

One Liner
Thinly sliced cabbage.
–Cole’s Law

Thought for the day
People who excel sharpen their skills. They never stop developing, growing, learning, and improving: “If your ax is dull and you don’t sharpen it, you have to work harder to use it. It is smarter to plan ahead” (Ecclesiastes 10:10 TEV). It takes more than desire to excel; it takes skill! Remember: You’re never wasting time when you’re sharpening your “ax.”

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader.

One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”

The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

One Liner
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peer’s Law

Thought for the day
People who excel work with enthusiasm. Regardless of whether the job is big or small, give it your best. Great performers give their best effort, no matter what the size of the audience: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people” (Colossians 3:23 TEV).

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an Apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Knock, Knock,
Who’s there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

I’m a high-school geometry teacher, and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”

I noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.

“Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

One Liner
I’ve learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

Thought for the day
You gain delight in God. “You will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:11 NLT).Spending time with God will actually make you happier. Your quiet time is when you enjoy God. Knowing God is the secret to joy.

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“Well you don’t expect me to work in the dark, do you?” he said.

One Liner
Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.

Thought for the day
“Think of the last thing you prayed about–were you devoted to your desire or to God? Determined to get some gift of the Spirit or to get at God? “Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” The point of asking is that you may get to know God better. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Keep praying in order to get a perfect understanding of God Himself.” – Oswald Chambers

WHY DOGS CAN’T USE COMPUTERS

He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing http://www.alpo.com instead of working.

The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail.”

It’s too messy to “mark” every website he visits.

He can’t stick his head out of Windows 7.

One Liner
I am a bomb squad technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

Thought for the day
Your attitude determines your joy. “The diligent find freedom in their work; the lazy are oppressed by work” (Proverbs 12:24 MSG).