Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

One Liner
Misuse of “literally” makes me figuratively insane.

Thought for the day
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” Romans 15:7 (NIV)

God made you different so you can complement each other, complete each other, and strengthen each other.

Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, “Shingles.”

The doctor asked, “Where?”

Kevin said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em?”

One Liner
Can CIA agents be despised?

Thought for the day
“And lead us not into temptation …” (Matthew 6:13 NIV)

God wants us to love the people of this world, no matter who they are, what they’ve done, or what they believe. But He does not want us to love the world’s value system.

While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn’t even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him.

When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, “Never leave home without your credit card!”

One Liner
I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”

Thought for the day
We must change the way we think. “Let the Spirit change your way of thinking.” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV) The Bible says we are “transformed” by the renewing of our minds. (Romans 12:2)

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”

“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not at home?”

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, “Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?”

One Liner
“Self-esteem-boosting tip: Whenever you receive mail addressed to “resident,” just write a big “P” in front of that to make yourself feel more important.”

Thought for the day
Paul only had one resolution on his New Year’s list: “This year I resolve to know nothing but Christ and him crucified” (1 Corinthians 2:2).

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man’s life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

“Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

One Liner
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” – Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Thought for the day
By our baptism, then, we were buried with him and shared his death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from death by the glorious power of the Father, so also we might live a new life. Romans 6:4 (TEV)

If you haven’t been baptized as an expression of your faith in Christ, be obedient to Jesus and be baptized as soon as possible

Sam had been extremely nervous while his wife was giving birth to their first child. When the nurse came to the waiting room, he said, “Quick, tell me! Am I a mother or a father?!”

One Liner
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Thought for the day
“Give us this day our daily bread.” Matthew 6:7-9 (NCV)

Jesus didn’t say, “Give us this day our monthly bread” or “our weekly bread.” He said “daily bread” because we need to learn to depend on God twenty-four hours at a time.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

One LINER
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “Let everything you do reflect your love of the truth and the fact that you were in dead earnest about it.” (Titus 2:7) There’s a lot in the Bible that I don’t understand and that makes me uncomfortable. But the fact is, it is the truth. It is a map that always takes me where it promises.

“Jesus told him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. If you had really known me, you would know who my Father is. From now on, you do know him and have seen him!'” (John 14:6-7, NLT)

For our first New Year’s together as a married couple, my wife offered me a choice of pumpkin pie, cheesecake or orange-date cake.

“Pumpkin pie,” I requested.

“We’ve been eating pumpkin pie since Thanksgiving,” Nancy protested.

“Can’t you choose something else?”

“Okay,” I replied, “how about cheesecake?”

Making a face, Nancy said, “After all that rich food you ate over Christmas, surely you don’t want cheesecake.

Recognizing my limited options, I then selected orange-date cake.

“Oh, I’m glad you chose that one,” Nancy said. “Orange-date cake is a New Year’s tradition in our family.”

One Liner
“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”

Thought for the day
If the Apostle Paul made New Year’s resolutions, my thought is he only had one resolution on his list: “[This year] I resolve to know nothing but Christ and him crucified” (1 Corinthians 2:2).