While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took x-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

“What happened to this patient?” he asked in astonishment.

“He fell out of a tree,” I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

“I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob’s Expert Tree Service.”

Gazing intently at the x-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘Expert.'”

One Liner
My snooze button on my alarm clock isn’t working right. What good is an alarm clock that doesn’t let me keep going back to sleep.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 6:17 says, “Accept God’s salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (NCV).

There are two things you need to do in order to handle temptation. Salvation is the first step: “Accept God’s salvation as your helmet.” What does a helmet do? It protects your head and your mind, and that’s where the battle is going on.

The second step is to receive God’s Word to use as a sword. Truth is the antidote to temptation.  You need to get the truth that is in that book into your mind.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

She says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

One Liner
A well-adjusted person is one who can play bridge or golf as if it were a game.

Thought for the day
1 Thessalonians 5:18, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”

That’s radical gratitude. In every circumstance give thanks, because it’s God’s will for your life.

Top problems with working in a cubicle:

~ Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in an ACTUAL box all day long.

~ That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.

~ The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

~ You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.

One Liner
I got gas today for $1.49. Unfortunately, it was Taco Bell.

Thought for the day
“This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God” 2 Corinthians 9:12 NIV

When you give, you are performing a service. Serving and giving are both essential. Each is an action of love. You can’t love without serving and giving. And here’s the best part: Your service leads to expressions of thanksgiving to God.

Sister Grace at the convent opened a letter from home and found a $100 bill
from her parents.  She smiled at the gesture.  As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp
post below.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Grace” on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, and tossed it out the window. The stranger
picked it up and read the note. He tipped his hat to Sister Grace and
hurried away.

The next day, Sister Grace was told that a man was asking to see her.  She
went down and found the stranger waiting.  Without a word, he handed her a
huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s your $8,000, Sister,” he replied. “‘Don’t Despair’ paid 80-to-1.”

One Liner
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.

Thought for the day
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” James 3:17 NIV

A mark of wise people is that they don’t try to hide their weaknesses.

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My goodness!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma’am?”

“Why, yes, officer, I’m just fine,” the lady chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the lady began. “I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me.  So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!  I swerved to the right and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was….”

“Uh, ma’am,” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror.”

One Liner
Exactly how do you get off a non-stop flight?

Thought for the day
Proverbs 17:9, “Love forgets mistakes; nagging about them parts the best of friends” (TLB)

If you’re wise, you don’t rub it in. You let it go! This is what it means to have mercy: You give people what they need, not what they deserve. You don’t hold it over their heads. You don’t emphasize the mistake. You don’t judge them. You encourage them.

Bob: What do mummies like to listen to on Halloween?
Bill: I don’t know – what?
Bob: Wrap music!

One Liner
Q: What is a ghost’s nose full of?
A: Boooooogers.

Thought for the day
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” James 3:17 NIV

Wise people are not defensive. They’re not stubborn. They’re open to reason. They’re willing to listen and learn. James 3:17 describes wisdom as “submissive,” but that word really means reasonable, willing to listen, and open to ideas and suggestions.

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t operate a cell phone?”

One Liner
When we say that something is “going down the drain” — isn’t that better than if it were coming up it?

Thought for the day
“A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes” Proverbs 14:29 TLB

If you want to be wise in your relationships, don’t antagonize others’ anger.

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”

One Liner
When I was born, my father came into the room and gave me a funny look. And as you can see, I’ve still got it!

Thought for the day
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” James 3:17 NIV

Wise people work at maintaining harmony.

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him.

Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. She searched frantically … but never found the critter.

Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room. When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We have a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage.”

One Liner
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Thought for the day
”Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other” Romans 12:5 GW

The church not only helps you center on God, it also helps you connect with other believers.

A teenager who had just received her learner’s permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you!”

“Any time,” her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”

One Liner
Ever feel like you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Thought for the day
2 Peter 3:18, “Grow in spiritual strength and become better acquainted with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (TLB).

You grow in spiritual strength by using your money to develop skills and educate yourself, to become a better leader, a better speaker, a better prayer, or just a better person.