Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

Mr. Lee nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

Replied Mr. Lee, “No, from skipping.”

One Liner
I tried working in a wheel factory, but I got too tired.

Thought for the day
“Never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God, for he has said that he will repay those who deserve it” Romans 12:19a

The heart of real forgiveness is relinquishing your right to get even.

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him.

But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. “Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice. “You folks need all the practice you can get.”

One Liner
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Thought for the day
“I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns” (Philippians 1:6 LB).

It takes years for us to grow to adulthood, and it takes a full season for fruit to mature and ripen. The same is true for the fruit of the Spirit. The development of Christlike character cannot be rushed. Spiritual growth, like physical growth, takes time.

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites greeted her.

“Excuse me,” I said. “Can you tell me where we are?”

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, “Earth!”

One Liner
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.”

Thought for the day
“Those hired at five o’clock came up and were each given a dollar. When those who were hired first saw that, they assumed they would get far more” (Matthew 20:9-10 The Message).

The key to overcoming envy is to stop comparing yourself to others.

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there’s this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror…. shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he’s halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

One Liner
“There is only one pretty child in the world… and every mother has it.”
~Chinese Proverb.

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. 2 Timothy 1:9 (LB)

You were saved ti serve God.  You’re not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God’s kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value.

There’s an old sea story about a ship’s captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowski. And Brown, you change with Schultz.”

One Liner
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Thought for the day
“Seven times each day I stop and shout praises for the way you keep everything running right.”  Psalm 119:164

The love of God is like a fire in the heart of man, which breaks forth and praising Him for his benefits.  So stop seven times and praise Him!  Get started ……

 Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and quickly taken in for emergency heart surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sweet nun, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” the nun asked.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God!”

“Really?” said Mr. Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

One Liner
I don’t mind going to work. But that 8-hour wait to go home is awful

Thought for the day
For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. Philippians 1:21 NLT

Have you ever said, “I would die for Christ if it ever came down to that!”  That’s a powerful statement to make.  But may we be challenged to live for Him, which is a daily statement of the life He now lives within us!

An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!”

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I’ve lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! — This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations!  You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back! That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back,” and handed him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

One Liner
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Thought for the day
God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another” 1 Peter 4:10

God uses our talents to test our unselfishness. You have to decide in life for whom or what you’re going to live. You’re either going to live a self-centered, miserly life or you’re going to live for something greater than yourself — the Kingdom of God.

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.

The Amish man said, “No.”

“Legally, that paper says we can.” replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, “Show HIM your paper!”

One Liner
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

Thought for the day
“So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own? No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money” (Luke 16:11-13 NIV).

Faithful people are generous when they don’t have anything to give.

The Old Man’s Golf Game

    “How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”
“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife,
“Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
“Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”

One Liner
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?

Thought for the day
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9 NIV).

The truth is, no one is outside Jesus’ reach!

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.

When he asked Casey, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor’s instructions, it read: “Do not take with broccoli.”

One Liner
I like waiters: they bring a lot to the table.

Thought for the day
Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NLT).

If sensitivity to others’ needs begins with your eyes, then sympathy for their hurt begins with your ears. You have to learn to listen! The better listener you become, the more sympathetic you will be.