A lady lost her purse while shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $100 bill in it. Now there are 100 $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse and she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

One Liner
How do “Stay off the Grass” signs get there?

Thought for the day
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us — whatever we ask — we know that we have what we asked of him” (1 John 5:14-15 NIV).

Prayer works because God is in control.

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company calling a woman:

“Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”

“No,” I replied.

“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

“I really don’t have any debts,” I said.

“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

“I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash,” I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”

One Liner
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Thought for the day
“Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God — truly righteous and holy” (Ephesians 4:21-24 NLT).

You need more power than just willpower in your life. You need God’s power in your life.

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?”

The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”

Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”

“Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is in my heart. Barney’s on my underpants.”

One Liner
Don’t just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.

Thought for the day
“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8 NIV).

Sin always involves self-deception. At the moment you’re sinning, you’re deceiving yourself because you think that what you’re doing will actually produce better results than what God has already told you to do.

To stop defeating yourself, you must stop deceiving yourself.

One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight’s dinner. I told him I didn’t know how to make soup. He quickly handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.

Soon after I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.

Instead the sergeant said, “This tastes really good… are you sure you followed the recipe?”

One Liner
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

Thought for the day
“Never walk away from someone who deserves help; your hand is God’s hand for that person. Never tell your neighbors to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now” (Proverbs 3:27-28 The Message/GNT).

Love is something you do. Love doesn’t just say, “I’m sorry for this guy. Isn’t it a shame? Isn’t that too bad?” Love seizes the moment.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

One Liner
“I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.”

Thought for the day
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship.” Romans 12:1 (NIV)

In other words, your whole life becomes an act of constant worship when you live, work, and breathe as unto the Lord

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran’s turn. “Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!”

“What did you do?” asked his friends.

“Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed up another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done.”

One Liner
“A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops and on my desk I have a work station . . .”

Thought for the day
“I know that your love will last for all time, that your faithfulness is as permanent as the sky” (Psalm 89:2 TEV).

God will never love you any more than he does right now. But he also will never love you any less than he does right now.

He loves you on your good days; he loves you on your bad days. His love is not conditioned by your response. God is love and his love is given freely. It cannot be earned and it is not undeserved.

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

“What happened?” asks the first officer.

“Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail.”

“Good grief,” says the second officer. “Didn’t we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?”

“You’re right. I’m afraid,” said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, “this is the work of a cereal killer.”

One Liner
“It’s okay to have nothing to say…unless you’re talking.”

Thought for the day
“The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go” Matthew 18:27

God’s Word tells us why we have to let go of our hurt and resentment. We’ve got to release it instead of rehearsing it.

A guy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No”, shouts the guy, “this is her husband!”

One Liner
I lost my mood ring today. I don’t know how I feel about losing it.

Thought for the day
Our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him. 2 Corinthians 3:18b (Msg)

Discipleship is the process of conforming to Christ. The Bible says, “We arrive at real maturity—that measure of development which is meant by ‘the fullness of Christ.'” (Ephesians 4:13, Phillips)  Christlikeness is your eventual destination, but your journey will last a lifetime.

A woman goes to the vet with her goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.

The woman says, “well wait – I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet!”

One Liner
You spend the first 2 years teaching children to walk and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Thought for the day
“Our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.” (2 Corinthians 3:18b, Msg)

Real spiritual maturity is never the result of a single experience, no matter how powerful or moving. Growth is gradual.

I saw a billboard yesterday that said:

Need help? Call Jesus.

1-800-555-HELP

Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck

One Liner
“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

Thought for the day
“My Father is glorified and honored by this, when you bear much fruit” John 15:8a

When you use the gifts that God has given you, it is an act of worship.