THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

One LINER
~ Laughter is like changing a baby’s diaper: It doesn’t permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for awhile.

Thought for the day
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG).

If you try to play God, attempting to control everything and everyone around you, depression will eventually catch up with you.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great,” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they’ve never dreamed of!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

One LINER
“I don’t make jokes, “Will Rogers once said truthfully. “I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Thought for the day
“Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. Who is he, this King of glory? The LORD Almighty–he is the King of glory” (Psalm 24:8, 10 NIV).

Gratitude is one gauge that measures our dependence on God. The more dependent we are, the more grateful we become.

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother…

[Five minutes later]

“Mom…”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later]

“Mom…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a glass of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later]

“Mommm…”

“WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

One Liner
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.

Thought for the day
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4 (NIV)

Each one of us needs other people to watch out for us – to defend us, protect us, and help us stay on track. In the book of Philippians, the apostle Paul tells us that we should look out for each other’s interests, not just our own

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

One Liner
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

Thought for the day
Know the state of your flocks, and put your heart into caring for your herds, for riches don’t last forever …. Proverbs 27:23-24a (NLT)

If you spent as much time writing down your finances as you do worrying about them, you’d probably have a lot less to worry about. You need to keep good records if you want God’s blessing on your finances.

Seven Stages of Sickness for Married Couples

1ST YEAR: The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from Tosini’s. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.”

2ND YEAR: “Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?”

3RD YEAR: “Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here?”

4TH YEAR: “No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!”

5TH YEAR: “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”

6TH YEAR: “You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!”

7TH YEAR: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the store.”

One LINER
If we were put on this earth to help others, what are the others here for?

Thought for the day
These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.  Mark 7:6

There should be no shortcuts when serving God but, your strict established routine is un-acceptable if you have a hard heart that cares only about the process.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it.  He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string.  It’ll come back to ya.”

One LINER
Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, “Canned goods and ammunition

Thought for the day
“Your true life is not made up of the things you own, no matter how rich you may be” (Luke 12:15 TEV).

Your real life is not about what you own.

“Golf Ransom”

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. “Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again.”

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, “You’re three hours late. What took you so long?”

“Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 27 handicap.”

One Liner
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 1:9-10
He made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment – to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

Jesus is Lord! God’s plan was to bring unity in Christ by making him Lord of all! What area of our lives, our hearts, our secrets, our sin, our rebellion, have we not submitted to his lordship?

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs.  They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her.”

One LINER
Why is it called “rush hour” when nothing moves?

Thought for the day
Psalm 16:3
As for the saints who are in the land, 
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight

Saints are people touched by God’s holiness.  No one is saintly, or holy apart from God.  Only God is holy.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any wittle wabbits?”

And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby?  Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon weally cares.”

One LINER
“The best mirror is an old friend.” – George Herbert

Thought for the day
Acts 25:18-19
But the accusations made against him weren’t any of the crimes I expected.  Instead, it was something about their religion and a dead man named Jesus, who Paul insists is alive

Jewish leaders came from Jerusalem making serious accusations against Paul.  But when it came down to it – it wasn’t about any crime he had committed but that he claimed Jesus was alive and not dead!!  Would that be the only charge against you and I today?  We claim Jesus is alive in all our actions and speech!!

THREE SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

1. Naps are good.

2. Your parents’ jokes are funny.

3. When things go wrong, you can’t just yell “Do-over!”

One LINER
Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

Thought for the day
Acts 23:1
Paul looked straight at the Sanhedrin and said, “My brothers, I have fulfilled my duty to God in all good conscience to this day.

Paul looked them in the eye and gave a BOLD word for God.  May we be so bold!!