NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
2020: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2021: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2022: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2023: I will work out 3 days a week.
2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
One Liner
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.
After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, “You sounded fine! I will have you sing a solo.”
“You mean…by myself right up front,” I asked?
“No,” he said, “I mean you should sing so low that we can’t hear you.”
One Liner
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive Christmastime, don’t you?
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.
After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it. “Johnny,” began the teacher, “I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
“It’s the flea, teacher.”
“What flea?” she asked.
The boy faithfully replied, “The Bible verse says, ‘Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.'”
One Liner
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly…
During a final exam in December, one of the questions was: The value of x + x(xx) when x = 2 is: (a) 10, (b) 16, (c) 18, (d) 36, (e) 64
One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don’t. Merry Christmas!”
The exam paper came back with the prof’s notation: “God gets 100. You get zero. Happy New Year.”
One Liner
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?
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