My four-year-old son told me that it was his stuffed animal’s birthday today. 

Since this was probably the third birthday this animal had in about as many weeks, I commented that she seems to have a lot of birthdays. 

He explained, “Well, the older you get, the faster they come!”

One Liner

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker. 

“I win!” said Harry.

Joe threw down his cards, “That’s it! I’ve had it! Harry is cheating!!!”

“How can you tell?” Phillip asked.

“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

One Liner

I had a brilliant thought once but it got lonely and left.

“Doctor, it’s been a month since my last visit, and I still feel miserable.”

“Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?”

“I sure did. The bottle said ‘Keep tightly closed’.”

One Liner

The Five Symptoms of Laziness: 1. 

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

One Liner

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older
this is not what I expected.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain
basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took
my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner

“If you must curse, use your own name.” God