A woman meant to call a music store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”

One Liner

Hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

Bob dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the pearly gates by the angel overseeing all the admissions into heaven. The angel looks at him and starts flipping through the book in front of him. “Bob,” begins the angel, “we have a problem. As far as I can see, you have exactly fifty percent good deeds and fifty percent sins. I can’t let you into heaven on that basis. Are there any good deeds in your life that I may have missed that would tip the scales?”

“Well, what about the time that I was on the train and a man was about to beat an old woman senseless and I stepped in to stop him?” The angel flips through the book again, “Gee, I don’t see that in here 
when did that happen?”

Bob answered, “Couldn’t have been more than five minutes ago!”

One Liner

I accidentally used the dogs shampoo this morning. Now I feel like a good boy.

Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup.

While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.”

“Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”

One Liner

Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won’t light.

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. 

“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. 

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. 

“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.” 

“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free.”

One Liner

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

Kid:  “Dad, I’m tired. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Dad: “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

Kid: “That’s okay, but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

One Liner

I cleaned the house today, so if you could stop living there, that’d be great.

Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”

Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”

One Liner

If you know me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. We were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.