Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

“This man,” he announced, “Called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

One Liner

Nowadays, Lance is not a common name. But in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dressed up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

Their Uber arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs.  They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the car while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the Uber driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her.”

One Liner

Wrinkles mean you laughed; grey hair mean you care; scars mean you lived; a large rear end means you love tacos.

Sunday school teacher: Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?
Johnny: No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.

One Liner

Chris: Why is a computer so smart?
Mom: It listens to its motherboard.

Mom No. 1: How do you get your sleepy-head son up in the morning?
Mom No. 2: I just put the cat on the bed.
Mom No. 1: How does that help?
Mom No. 2: The dog’s already there.

One Liner

I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in Hawaii.

He sent an email to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. 

The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”

One Liner

That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?

I went skydiving today for the first time.

This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.

As we plummeted he said, “So how long have you been an instructor?”

One Liner

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember…don’t sing.

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it.  Can you give me an example of one?”

“Sure,” a teenage boy replied.  “My father’s new car.”

One Liner

Yesterday I fixed up my hair and makeup and saw no one. Today I looked like Jack Nicholson in the Shining and saw all the people I know. All of them.