A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.
When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”
One Liner
Don’t let anyone treat you like free salsa. You’re guacamole!
Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, “Why didn’t you tell me I was lost?”
“I thought you knew where you were going,” he replied. “You always know where you’re going when I’m driving.”
One Liner
As long as I live, I will never forget what’s-her-name.
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
“What will you do with it?” my wife asked.
“We burn it,” was the answer.
“Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?” asked my wife.
“Certainly not,” said the clerk. “This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it’s destroyed.”
One Liner
Fish bite twice a day … before you get there and after you leave.
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “And just where am I going to find 5 people without any problems???
One Liner
He knew everything, but that’s all.
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
One Liner
Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.
“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”
The father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”
“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny, “but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”
One Liner
I don’t trip. I do random gravity checks.
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She’ll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack.
One Liner
I get plenty of exercise — jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
“Yes, Theo, what is it?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don’t get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble.”
One Liner
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
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