The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, “You’re right. I’m sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 15 years.”

One Liner

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

There was this guy who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.  His friend suggested he see a doctor to have his legs checked out.

The guy refused. . . said his friend was crazy.

But he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was shorter than his right!

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later he was cured; both legs were exactly the same length and he didn’t lean left anymore.

His friend said, “You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

The guy said: “I stand corrected.”

One Liner

Getting a hair stuck in your mouth has to be a million times more gross when you’re bald.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”

One Liner

Heard a rumor about peanut butter…don’t want to spread it.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”

One Liner

I have a million-dollar figure — but it’s all loose change.

Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”

One Liner

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?  Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!”

“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.

“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

One Liner

When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.