When I was younger, my dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks dad, that means a lot,” I replied.

He said, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

One Liner

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, “I have a surprise for you. I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

One Liner

Q: What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be wrong, since I’m not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while.

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.”

One Liner

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like “Watt??”

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, “But don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.”

The boy replied, “What’s God gonna’ do with a dead cat?”

One Liner

Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three will get you back on the interstate highway.

The little boy scurried into the corner grocery store with a worried look on
his face, handing the clerk a dollar bill.

“What’s this for, son?”

“Momma says all she wants is peas and quiet…do you have that?”

One Liner

I’m taking care of my procrastination issues. Just you wait and see.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish? 

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, checking your socials.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about your faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment

AN AFTER-HOLIDAY POEM

‘Twas the month after Christmas, 
And all through the house nothing would fit me, 
Not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste at the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! 
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared; 
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, 
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese 
And the way I’d NEVER said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt 
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can “You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip, 
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip 
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, 
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One Liner

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.