A person calls a pet store: “Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once.”
Astonished clerk: “What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?”
Caller: “I’m moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them.”

One Liner
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. 
Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. 
 “Ah,” he sighed, “that must be her checking out now.” 

One Liner
Kids only want high-technology toys nowadays. My niece has an imaginary playmate that requires batteries. 

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.” 

He looked around! and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. 

The man said, “Are you talking to me?” 

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.” 

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. 

Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will become the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen!” 

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.” 

One Liner
Blessed are the peacemakers — they will never be out work.

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. 

One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” 

The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.” 

One Liner
Q. What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle on Valentine’s Day? 
A. You mean a great dill to me! 

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine’s day! Simple things like: 

– Open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, 
– Plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. 

Guys, it’s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine! 

One Liner
Q. What did the boy elephant say to the girl elephant on Valentine’s Day? 
A. I love you a ton! 

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby. 

“When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them.” 

“Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.” 

One Liner
It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up with an Amish carriage. 

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

One Liner
A harp is just a piano with no clothes on.

Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical “golfer” outfits.  After a while, their caddy asked, “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

Easy,” said the caddy. “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language.”

One Liner
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.