One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”
“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”
One Liner
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.
“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
“Oh great! NOW you tell me!” said the beginner.
One Liner
My email password has been hacked again! That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the dog.
PERKS OF BEING 50 OR OLDER
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run…anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
One Liner
I’m as swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. Eight days ago.
THE GRANDMA TEST
I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my granddaughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.
At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, “All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.”
“Exactly,” I replied.
One Liner
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Two mice are exploring a movie studio warehouse. One of them finds a bit of old celluloid and starts chewing.
“What’s that?” asks the other mouse.
“Let me see…” says the first. “Ah, yes. It’s from ‘Gone With the Wind.’ “
“Is it good?” asks the second.
“Not so great,” replies the first. “The book was better.”
One Liner
What is in the middle of a jellyfish? Its jelly button.
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”
One Liner
The world’s best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail, and comes with unconditional love.
Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.
During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”
One Liner
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there’s more manure.
Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.
During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”
One Liner
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there’s more manure.
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