A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them!
A cop came and questioned the snail: “What happened here?”
The little snail replied, “I don’t know — it all happened so fast.”
One Liner
My favorite word is drool. It just rolls off the tongue.
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and ultimately I’m perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
One Liner
Not a single person asked if I could run fast in my new shoes today. Being an adult is stupid.
Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look.
“Taking a little break,” I explained. “I’m in my first trimester.”
“Really?” he said. “What’s your major?”
One Liner
When people say, “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.” What good is a stupid cake you can’t eat? What, should I eat someone else’s cake instead??
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
“Hey Dad, announced Billy, “have you met the new neighbors?”
“No.”
“Come on Dad, you have to meet them.”
“Some other time; I’m busy.”
“Dad, you have to meet them now.”
From the urgency in Billy’s voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
“Where are they?” I asked.
“Well, Dad,” he explained, “we haven’t met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!”
One Liner
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon. Can you help pay for a big wedding? I am presently in Australia and the boy I love lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Zoom, and we’ve stayed in touch through Viber. Dad, can I count on you for a big wedding?
Your favorite daughter, Lilly
Dad’s response
My Dearest Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay!
Love, Dad
One Liner
I always say “Thank you” to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I’m nice.
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town.
When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
“I sure did, teacher,” one little girl replied. “I prayed for more snow.”
One Liner
Your shadow is confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the last few feet thanks to you.
A man who hadn’t attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.
The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, “How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!”
“Well, Preacher,” said the fisherman, “Quite honestly, it’s a matter of choice. I’d much rather hear your sermon than hers.”
One Liner
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.
As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”
Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”
One Liner
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already…
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