“Bob, why don’t you play golf with John anymore?” asked a friend.

“Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Bob asked.

“Well, no,” admitted the friend.

“Neither will John,” replied Bob.

One Liner
“She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.”

Thought for the day
“And forgive us our sins as we also forgive those who have sinned against us.” Matthew 6:7-9 (NCV)

When I hurt you, that causes guilt. When you hurt me, I feel resentment. Those two things can be resolved with forgiveness

My husband is a minister who conducts an expanded altar call at the end of his sermon. He asks those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, as well as those with prayers or other requests, to come forward.

To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter, without a word to me, got up and made her way forward. She waited patiently while the others ahead of her made a request.

When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask for her request. She whispered, “Can we go to the restaurant after church?”

One Liner
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, “Hello, this is a telephone poll.”

The man replied, “Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!”

Thought for the day
In Matthew 18, Jesus tells the story of a king who forgives his servant. Verse 27 says, “The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go” (NIV). Just as the king canceled the debt of this servant, God sent Jesus Christ to pay for your debt. Everything you’ve ever done wrong in your life has already been paid for. Jesus took your rap. He paid your jail time. He took your offense and paid the wages of sin. Jesus Christ died for all of your sins.

The airhead tried to sell his old car. He was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day he mentioned his problem to a friend he worked with. The friend told him, “There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the airhead, “as long as I can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell.” The following weekend, the airhead made the trip to the mechanic.

A month later, the friend asked the airhead, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the airhead, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

One Liner
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Proverbs 19:11, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (NIV). With wisdom, you don’t get offended. Why? Because wisdom gives you patience. When you understand somebody’s background, you understand the stress that person is under — and it’s easier to show grace. That gives you patience to overlook the offense.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an idiot or blind. Do you understand all that?” The little boy nodded yes again.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach stupid is it?” The little boy shook his head NO.

“GOOD,” said the coach, “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

One Liner
The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your move.

Thought for the day
The less love you have in your heart, the more insecure you feel and the easier it is to offend you. The Bible says in Proverbs 10:12, “Love overlooks the wrongs that others do” (CEV). The more I am filled with love, the less I’m going to be upset with you when you are demanding or demeaning or disapproving or whatever.

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

One Liner
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

Thought for the day
“Heaven will be the perfection we’ve always longed for. All the things that made Earth unlovely and tragic will be absent in heaven.” – Billy Graham

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

One Liner
People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.

Thought for the day
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)

Move ahead, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with the Holy Spirit