IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.  

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.  

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.  

Put your tongue back in your mouth – sure you can still breathe! HAHA  

TEN THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU.  

1) You are reading this.  

2) You are human.  

3) You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without separating your lips.  

4) You just attempted to do it. HAHA  

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.  

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.  

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.  

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.  

One Liner

The main function of your little toe is to ensure that all the furniture is in its place.

The Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Have Been Different If It Had Been Written By College Students

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning…cold.

9 The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

8. A new edition would be written every two years to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

6. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

One Liner

Which letter is silent in “scent” — the C or the S?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used with a man as part of a job interview.

You’re driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she’s about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The man/woman of your dreams.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus you should save her first.

Or, you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to think outside the box!

One Liner

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half!

APPROPRIATE BABY NAMES

Lawyer’s daughter: Sue

Thief’s son: Rob

Lawyer’s son: Will

Fisherman’s daughter: Annette

Meteorologist’s daughter: Haley

Steam shovel operator’s son: Doug

Hairdresser’s son: Bob

Gourmet chef’s son: Herb

Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician’s son: Mike

Hot dog vendor’s son: Frank

Gambler’s daughter: Bette

Gambler’s son: Chip

Exercise guru’s son: Jim

Astronomer’s daughter: Skye 

Cattle thief’s son: Russell

Painter’s son: Art

Iron worker’s son: Rusty

TV star’s daughter: Emmy

Movie star’s son: Oscar

Barber’s son: Harry 

One Liner

What do you call it when you leave a dollar bill in a pants pocket and it gets washed? Money laundering.

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder

One Liner

My going-out clothes have missed me so much. I put them on yesterday and they hugged me so tightly I couldn’t move.

My Grandpa used to sit in a rocking chair. He had a recliner, but didn’t use it because it wasn’t comfortable for him.

So one night when were were over there, Dad tried putting shims under the recliner feet to change the angle, to see if that would make it better for him. While we were doing that, Grandma was rummaging around in the closet and knocked over a box of marbles.

That is forever stuck in my mind as the night Grandpa was off his rocker and Grandma lost her marbles.

One Liner

Today I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me for next Wednesday.

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]: 

Thank you for your letter of [date of rejection letter]. 

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. 

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then. 

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. 

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

One Liner

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

A ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert-like island. 

The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man’s parcel of land remained barren. 

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship wrecked nearby, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the island. On the other side of the island, there was nothing. 

Eventually the first man decided to pray for clothes and more food. The next day, all of these were given to him as the belongings from yet another shipwreck were washed ashore. However, the second man still had nothing. 

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found that overnight a ship had anchored on his side of the island. 

The first man was welcomed aboard the ship along with his wife and he decided to say nothing of the other man, but instead leave him on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God’s blessings since obviously none of his prayers had been answered… 

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a Voice booming, “Why are you leaving your companion on the island?” 

“My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them,” the first man answered. “His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything.” 

“You are gravely mistaken!” the Voice rebuked him. “He had only one prayer, and I answered it. If it were not for his prayers, you would not have received any of MY blessings.” 

“Tell me,” the first man asked, “what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?” 

“He prayed that all your prayers would be answered.”

One Liner

An apology is the best way to have the last word.