Things I’m super good at:

> Forgetting someone’s name 10 seconds after they tell me.

> Buying produce…and throwing it away two weeks later.

> Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.

> Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.

> Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to dewrinkle. Then forgetting it again.

> Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “fall asleep right now.”

One Liner

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Hey, get out!”

I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the octopus. 

The waiter told me it takes four hours to cook. 

“Why?” I asked. 

He answered, “Because it keeps turning the gas off.”

One Liner

Sorry that I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

You know it’s going to be a BAD DAY when…

> You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

> Your four-year-old greets you with the news that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

> The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

> Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

> You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.

> Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

> Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.

> Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.

> Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

One Liner

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a friendly, nice person.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about your faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2025…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

One Liner

My goal for 2025 is to accomplish the goals of 2024 which I should have done in 2023 because I made a promise in 2022 and planned in 2021.

~ What does a pirate decorate his tree with? Gaaarrrrrland.

~ What do skunks sing at Christmas? Jingle Smells

~ What do you get if you cross an archer with gift wrap? Ribbon Hood

~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

~ Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve? Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

~ What is green, covered with tinsel, and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!

~ What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis

~ What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

~ Where does Frosty, the Snowman, keep his money? In a snowbank.

~ When you open your credit card statements this January you will be warmly greeted: “I am the ghost of Christmas presents!”

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

~ How much did Santa pay for his sled? Nothing, it was on the house.

~ Why didn’t the wise men stop to water their camels? No well.

One Liner

I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!

At my friends’ wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride’s mother. “You’ve given me a gift,” he began, “a gift that…”

Here he paused with emotion, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, “That you can’t return!”

One Liner

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.