On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.'”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

One Liner

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn’t want to split hares.

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too.”

One Liner

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room. 

“Grandpa, Grandpa!” he says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!” 

“What?” said his grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!!!”

One Liner

The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on. 

So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”  

God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either. 

One Liner

Maybe eating tacos wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my tacos.

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn’t get discouraged. 

So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground.

Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other, “Hey honey, don’t you think its time we tell her that she’s adopted?”

One Liner

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what other people eat.

Grandma looked out her window and saw Johnnie digging a hole in his back
yard. 

She went out and asked Johnnie what he was doing. He told her he was burying
his parakeet. She said that he was digging a big hole for a little bird. 

Little Johnnie looked at her and said that the bird was in her cat.

One Liner

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Forgive my French” just
after a swear word. I’ll never forget my first day of French Language class.