Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yeah, that’s how far behind I am.

One Liner

Having a job is nice, but it interferes with my life.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However, donations are welcome!  Beginning May 21, readers now have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services.

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. “He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered Robinson to his wife. “Watch this.”

“Er, I wonder if you’d be using your power-saw this morning,” the neighbor began.

“Gee, I’m awfully sorry,” said Robinson with a smug look, “but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.”

“In that case,” said the neighbor, “you won’t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?”

One Liner

If you melt dry ice, can you swim in it and not get wet?

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However, donations are welcome!  Beginning May 21, readers now have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services.

SIGNS THAT YOUR NEW CAR IS A LEMON (aka dud)

~ As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

~ You notice that the car phone they threw in “for free” has a direct line to Moe’s Towing Company.

~ The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

~ The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

~ The “Purchased From” sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

~ You get a “Good Luck” card from the previous owner.

~ As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.

~ When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway.  As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.

~ The little “Service Engine” warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads “Me Again.”

One Liner

NOT getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of extraordinarily good luck.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However, donations are welcome!  Beginning May 21, readers now have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services.

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. 

The next day in a written test, she included this question: 

“My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?” 

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

One Liner

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction…I read to the end and say, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However, several have asked about making a donation.  So beginning May 21, readers will have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services. Thank you for being a loyal reader – and make sure you pass the humor along!!

REFLECTIONS OF A MOTHER

I gave you life,
But
I cannot live it for you.
I can give you directions,
But
I cannot be there to lead you.
I can take you to church,
But
I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong,
But
I cannot always decide for you.
I can buy you beautiful clothes,
But
I cannot make you beautiful Inside.
I can offer you advice,
But
I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love,
But
I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share,
But
I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect,
But
I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends,
But
I cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex,
But
I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you about alcohol & drugs,
But
I can’t say “No” for you.
I can tell you about lofty goals,
But
I can’t achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness,
But
I can’t force you to be gracious
I can pray for you,
But
I cannot make you walk with God.
I can love you with
unconditional love – all of my life.
And I WILL.
– Unknown

One Liner

A mother touches a whole generation by loving her own child well.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However, several have asked about making a donation.  So beginning May 21, readers will have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services. Thank you for being a loyal reader – and make sure you pass the humor along!!

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators.  He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. 

So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.  I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH!  One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, with the crowd was cheering him on.  Finally he made it to the other side, miraculously unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. “My boy that was incredible!  Fantastic!  I didn’t think it could be done!  Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money!  And I don’t want your daughter!  I just want the name of the guy who pushed me into that pool!

One Liner

“Hear about the man who ran into a screen door? He strained himself.

Celebrating 20 Years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However, several have asked about making a donation.  So beginning May 21, readers will have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services. Thank you for being a loyal reader – and make sure you pass the humor along!!