Monthly Archives: April 2015

Humor – April 10

A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password. Her password was “genius”.

After three tries and the system telling him “access denied,” he asked her how to spell it.

She said, “G – E – N – I – O – U – S.”

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Thought for the day
Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” When you spend time with the Lord, you turn your thoughts to him. Then, you get along better with others, because he keeps perfect peace in your heart, and you’re not as irritable.

Humor – April 9

Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under “Previous Employment” she wrote, “Baby sitting.”

In answer to “Reason for Leaving” she wrote, “Parents came home.”

One Liner
Easter is when everybody dresses up for Jesus’ big coming out party.

Thought for the day
If you want to stop the conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people, then you have to learn to ask forgiveness from God and from those you hurt. James 4:8 says, “Wash your hands … and purify your hearts” (NIV). Our hands represent our conduct, and our hearts represent our attitude.

Humor – April 8

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN…..

1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

6. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

7. You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

8. All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

9. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

10. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

11. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

12. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

13. It takes twice as long — to look half as good.

14. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

15. Everything either dries up or leaks.

One Liner
Newspaper ad …Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

Thought for the day
“Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And at that moment he disappeared!” (Luke 24:31 NLT)

Ever feel like God is a million miles away? The truth is, he’s not. Whatever struggle you’re going through, you can rest assured you’re not alone. You have God in your corner.

Humor – April 7

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”

One Liner
Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.

Thought for the day
“Never stop praying.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17 NLT)

You will never grow a close relationship with God by just attending church once a week or even having a daily quiet time. Friendship with God is built by sharing all your life experiences with him.

Humor – April 6

It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “The cook’s working for the Germans!”

One Liner
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said… people will forget what you did… but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Thought for the day
Don’t let the cares of life crowd out daily time with the Lord. When things aren’t going as we think they should, our natural reaction most likely is work harder and do more. Unfortunately, that generally results in wasted energy. Seek wisdom and direction through prayer and in God’s Word. Follow as he leads and trust that he will make a path for you. You cannot fully know the heart and mind of God without spending time with him.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

The Tomb is EMPTY!

Easter Eggs

Jeremy was born with a twisted body, a slow mind and a chronic, terminal illness that had been slowly killing him all his young life. Still, his parents had tried to give him as normal a life as possible and had sent him to St. Theresa’s elementary school. At the age of 12, Jeremy was only in second grade, seemingly unable to learn.

His teacher, Doris Miller, often became exasperated with him.  He would squirm in his seat, drool and make grunting noises. At other times, he spoke clearly and distinctly, as if a spot of light had penetrated the darkness of his brain. Most of the time, however, Jeremy irritated his teacher.

Spring came, and the children talked excitedly about the coming of Easter. Doris told them the story of Jesus, and then to emphasize the idea of new life springing forth, she gave each of the children a large plastic egg. “Now,” she said to them “I want you to take this home and bring it back tomorrow with something inside that shows new life.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, Miss Miller!” The children responded enthusiastically – all except for Jeremy.  He just listened intently; his eyes never left her face. He did not even make his usual noises. Had he understood what she had said about Jesus’ death and resurrection?  Did he understand the assignment? Perhaps she should call his parents and explain the project to them.

That evening, Doris’ kitchen sink stopped up.  She called the landlord and waited an hour for him to come by and unclog it.  After that, she still had to shop for groceries, iron a blouse and prepare a vocabulary test for the next day. She completely forgot about phoning Jeremy ‘s parents.

The next morning, 19 children came to school, laughing and talking as they placed their eggs in the large wicker basket on Miss Miller’s desk. After they completed their math lesson, it was time to open the eggs. In the first egg, Doris found a flower. “Oh yes, a flower is certainly a sign of new life,” she said.  “When plants peek through the ground we know that spring is here. “A small girl in the first row waved her arms. “That’s my egg, Miss Miller,” she called out.  The next egg contained a plastic butterfly, which looked very real.  Doris held it up.  “We all know that a caterpillar changes and turns into a beautiful butterfly.  Yes, that is new life, too” little Judy smiled proudly and said, “Miss Miller, that one is mine.”

Next Doris found a rock with moss on it.  She explained that the moss, too, showed life.  Billy spoke up from the back of the classroom.  “My daddy helped me!”  He beamed.  Then Doris opened the fourth egg.  She gasped. The egg was empty!  Surely it must be Jeremy ‘s, she thought, and, of course, he did not understand her instructions.  If only she had not forgotten to phone his parents. Because she did not want to embarrass him, she quietly set the egg aside and reached for another.

Suddenly Jeremy spoke up. “Miss Miller, aren’t you going to talk about my egg?” Flustered, Doris replied, “but Jeremy  – your egg is empty!”  He looked into her eyes and said softly, “yes, but Jesus’ tomb was empty too!”  Time stopped.  When she could speak again.  Doris asked him, “Do you know why the tomb was empty?”  “Oh yes!” Jeremy exclaimed.  “Jesus was killed and put in there.  Then his Father raised him up!”

Three months later Jeremy died.  Those who paid their respects at the mortuary were surprised to see 19 eggs on top of his casket, ……………….all of them empty.

Humor – April 2

One of my favorite illustrations is about a pastor giving a children’s sermon on Easter Sunday morning. “Can anyone tell me what happened on Easter?” Silence. The pastor, persisting, asked again politely, “Now I know that someone here knows what happened on Easter a long, long time ago.” Again….silence. “Finally, visibly frustrated, the pastor asked more forcefully, “SOMEBODY PLEASE tell me about Easter Sunday!” Finally, little Johnny (never at a loss for words) tentatively raised his hand. “THEY KILLED JESUS!” “That’s right,” said the pastor, “And then what?” “They put him in the ground!” (Johnny spoke with more confidence). “RIGHT!” the proud pastor affirmed, “and then what?” “…and he was there for three days!” “And then what?” “and on Easter he comes out of the ground!” “Wonderful!” the pastor joyfully agreed. And then Johnny continued….”And if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of bad weather……”

One LINER
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Thought for the day
Mark 16:6 but the angel said, “Don’t be alarmed. You are looking for Jesus of Nazareth,s who was crucified. He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead! Look, this is where they laid his body.

Hallelujah we serve a Risen Lord !!!

Humor – April 1

Kathy’s 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she’d ask, “Mom, what does FGRPL spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathy said.

Sitting at breakfast she’d suddenly ask, “Mom, what does DOEB spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathy answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, “Mom, what does LMDZ spell?”

Kathy smiled at her and said, “Nothing, sweetheart.”

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, “Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!”

One Liner
The speed of time is one second per second.

Thought for the day
Psalm 8:5 says, “Yet you made them inferior only to yourself; you crowned them with glory and honor” (GNT).

You were created by God, and God does not make junk.