Monthly Archives: February 2016

Humor – February 22

You have just received the Amish Virus.

Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files.

I thanketh thee,

Abe

One Liner
I just wish once someone would call me “Sir” without adding, “You’re making a scene.”

Thought for the day
King David wrote, “There was a time when I wouldn’t admit what a sinner I was. But my dishonesty made me miserable and filled my days with frustration” (Psalm 32:3 LB).

This reminds me of a sign I saw the other day: “A clean engine produces more power.” That’s true in humans, too. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the man who wrote “Sherlock Holmes,” once pulled a prank on 12 prominent Englishmen. He sent them an anonymous note that said, “All is found out. Flee at once.” Within 24 hours, eight of those men had left the country! Guilt destroys your confidence.

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Humor – February 19

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father’s young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose.

A neighbor watched the scene with amusement.

“Frank,” he finally commented, “you’re the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!”

One Liner
If God was small enough for us to understand, He wouldn’t be big enough for us to worship.

Thought for the day
If you’re an average person, you have three things on your daily “to do” list. You get one of them done, you leave one of them unfinished, and the third one you just forget about. You go home and put your feet up at night and feel good about yourself.

If you’re a perfectionist, you have 29 things on your daily “to do” list. You finish 28 of them, then you go home and feel like a failure! The Bible says, “Even perfection has its limits, but [God’s] commands have no limit” (Psalm 119:96 NLT).

Humor – February 18

Occasionally at the restaurant where I work there are extra desserts, and the staff are given some to take home. Once I brought home two pieces of cheesecake for my son and daughter. Katie had a piece that evening.

The next day her older brother found her watching TV and eating more cheesecake. “Are you eating my cheesecake?” he demanded.

“Oh, no,” she replied sweetly, “I ate yours yesterday.”

One Liner
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
– Napoleon Bonaparte

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10 NLT). The New Testament was written originally in Greek. The Greek word for “masterpiece” is “poema.” It’s the word we get “poem” from. God says, “You’re my poem. You’re my masterpiece. I don’t want you copying somebody else. I’ve put gifts in you — heart, abilities, personality, and experiences — and I want you to use them.” You have worth because of what God says about you and has done for you.

Humor – February 17

Aboard an airline flight from Europe to America, Grandma Bern was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. “The chewing gum worked fine,” she said. “Now that we’ve arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?”

One Liner
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 2 Peter 3:9, “The Lord isn’t being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent” (NLT).

The reason why God puts up with all the grief that he sees on this planet is because he’s being patient. And, he’s waiting for you to step across the line and start a relationship with him.

Humor – February 16

During a difficult physics lecture, a pre-med student interrupted: “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives,” the professor responded firmly, and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again: “So, how exactly does physics save lives?”

The prof replied, “It keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

One liner
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism

Thought for the day
“Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do … I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!” (Malachi 3:10 NLT, second edition)

In effect, God is saying, “I dare you! I dare you to see what I will do if you become a giving, generous person. Tithe, and see what happens to your life.”