My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader.

One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”

The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

One Liner
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peer’s Law

Thought for the day
People who excel work with enthusiasm. Regardless of whether the job is big or small, give it your best. Great performers give their best effort, no matter what the size of the audience: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people” (Colossians 3:23 TEV).

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an Apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Knock, Knock,
Who’s there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

I’m a high-school geometry teacher, and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”

I noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.

“Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

One Liner
I’ve learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

Thought for the day
You gain delight in God. “You will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:11 NLT).Spending time with God will actually make you happier. Your quiet time is when you enjoy God. Knowing God is the secret to joy.

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“Well you don’t expect me to work in the dark, do you?” he said.

One Liner
Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.

Thought for the day
“Think of the last thing you prayed about–were you devoted to your desire or to God? Determined to get some gift of the Spirit or to get at God? “Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” The point of asking is that you may get to know God better. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Keep praying in order to get a perfect understanding of God Himself.” – Oswald Chambers

WHY DOGS CAN’T USE COMPUTERS

He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing http://www.alpo.com instead of working.

The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail.”

It’s too messy to “mark” every website he visits.

He can’t stick his head out of Windows 7.

One Liner
I am a bomb squad technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

Thought for the day
Your attitude determines your joy. “The diligent find freedom in their work; the lazy are oppressed by work” (Proverbs 12:24 MSG).

TECH SUPPORT PROBLEM

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Okay. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Okay, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click.’ Twice!”

One Liner
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

Thought for the day
God is watching what you do, even when no one else is. “Work hard so God can say to you, ‘Well done.’ Be a good workman, one who does not need to be ashamed when God examines your work” (2 Timothy 2:15 LB).

As They Get Old . . .

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Thought for the day
Declare your struggles to someone. “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you” (James 5:16 NCV). Revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing. If you want to just be forgiven, confess your sins to God. But if you want to be healed, confess them to somebody else. It’s the power that comes from having a spiritual accountability partner or small group