A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
 
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
 
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
 
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
 
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
 
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

One Liner
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people

Thought for the day
Now you belong to him … in order that you might be useful in the service of God. (Romans 7:4 TEV)

Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.

For my grandmother Bessie’s 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement about her in the local paper.
 
“That was such a nice shot,” I commented.
 
“It’s only my passport picture,” she revealed.
 
“Really?” I stared at my homebody grandma in complete amazement.
 
“So…Where did you go?”
 
She replied, “The drugstore!”

One Liner
“For what is faith unless it is to believe what you do not see?”
– Augustine 

Thought for the day
My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations. Mark 11:17

God loves variety. If you don’t believe me, take a look at a National Geographic magazine. Look at the variety of people God has made around the world. God doesn’t make clones. There will never – ever – be another you. 

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
 
“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”

One Liner
“The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.”

Thought for the day
“At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (PH)

When you face a dead end, you may start asking, “What’s going on, God? Did I miss your will?” Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God’s plan for you.

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!”

One Liner
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Thought for the day
“If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:31b-32 NKJV)

Nothing can change the lives of people like the Bible. I’ve seen alcoholics and addicts get their lives sober and clean because they started reading the Bible. I’ve seen God’s Word change self-centered, narcissistic men who abuse and misuse women into godly husbands, wonderful dads, and upstanding citizens in the community.

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

“Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?”

“No,” replied the man, “All I could do was about 15 minutes!”

One Liner
SIGN at an optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you are looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

Thought for the day
I am the God who forgives your sins and I do this because of who I am and I will not hold your sins against you. (Isaiah 43:25)

Isaiah says God doesn’t hold our sins against us. Once we’ve confessed our sins to him, it’s all forgiven and forgotten, and he doesn’t even bring up the past. 

Phone Number Magic Trick

[Grab a calculator – you won’t be able to do this one in your head…]

1. Key in the first three digits of your 7-digit phone number (NOT the area code);

2. Multiply by 80;

3. Add 1;

4. Multiply by 250;

5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number;

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again;

7. Subtract 250;

8. Divide number by 2.

What you have is your phone number. Cool, eh?

One Liner
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

Thought for the day
While I was with them, I kept them safe by the power of your name … I protected them …. John 17:12 (TEV)

Jesus guarded the disciples’ spiritual growth by protecting their minds. It is your job, as a father and spiritual leader, to protect your children’s’ innocence. This is a huge task today in the culture we live in.