An eye roller:

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

“I’m about to close,” the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that! I’ll close my own incision!”

The doctor hands him the thread and says, “Suture self”.

One Liner
Dear IRS:  I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest.

Thought for the day
No one who gossips can be trusted … but you can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy Proverbs 11:13

Trust in a relationship is what makes the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. You talk to acquaintances, but you trust your friends.