Monthly Archives: September 2018

Humor – September 21

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites greeted her.

“Excuse me,” I said. “Can you tell me where we are?”

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, “Earth!”

One Liner
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.”

Thought for the day
“Those hired at five o’clock came up and were each given a dollar. When those who were hired first saw that, they assumed they would get far more” (Matthew 20:9-10 The Message).

The key to overcoming envy is to stop comparing yourself to others.


Humor – September 20

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there’s this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror…. shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he’s halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

One Liner
“There is only one pretty child in the world… and every mother has it.”
~Chinese Proverb.

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. 2 Timothy 1:9 (LB)

You were saved ti serve God.  You’re not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God’s kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value.

Humor – September 19

There’s an old sea story about a ship’s captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowski. And Brown, you change with Schultz.”

One Liner
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Thought for the day
“Seven times each day I stop and shout praises for the way you keep everything running right.”  Psalm 119:164

The love of God is like a fire in the heart of man, which breaks forth and praising Him for his benefits.  So stop seven times and praise Him!  Get started ……

Humor – September 18

 Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and quickly taken in for emergency heart surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sweet nun, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” the nun asked.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God!”

“Really?” said Mr. Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

One Liner
I don’t mind going to work. But that 8-hour wait to go home is awful

Thought for the day
For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. Philippians 1:21 NLT

Have you ever said, “I would die for Christ if it ever came down to that!”  That’s a powerful statement to make.  But may we be challenged to live for Him, which is a daily statement of the life He now lives within us!

Humor – September 17

An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!”

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I’ve lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! — This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations!  You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back! That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back,” and handed him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

One Liner
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Thought for the day
God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another” 1 Peter 4:10

God uses our talents to test our unselfishness. You have to decide in life for whom or what you’re going to live. You’re either going to live a self-centered, miserly life or you’re going to live for something greater than yourself — the Kingdom of God.