Monthly Archives: March 2020
Humor – March 20
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”
One Liner
You! Off my planet!
Thought for the day
“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15 (NIV)
When we try to fight through life’s troubles on our own, we sink. Instead, God wants us to stop fighting and trust him to do the work.
Humor – March 19
Husband: “Why do you get weepy over a TV program about imaginary people?”
Wife: “Same reason you scream and yell when a man you never met makes a touchdown.”
One Liner
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Thought for the day
“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal” 1 Corinthians 13:1 NLT
We’re really impressed by great speakers. We love eloquence and charisma. But God says, “I don’t care how good of a communicator you are. Are you living a life of love?” If you’re not, then nothing you say will matter. Words without love are just noise.
Humor – March 18
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define ‘great’ he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.
One Liner
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Thought for the day
Galatians 5:6 CEV: “If you are a follower of Christ Jesus . . . all that matters is your faith that makes you love others”
God says what matters in life is not your accomplishments or your achievements or your fame or your wealth. The only thing that matters is having a faith that causes you to love other people.
Humor – March 17
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What is prayer?”
One of her pupils answered, “That’s a message sent to God at night and on Sundays when the rates are lower.”
One Liner
I may be omniscient, but don’t expect me to know everything.
Thought for the day
“Let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us.”
Hebrews 12:1 TLB
When you start to get concerned about something God is doing in another person’s life and envy starts to build, focus on the plan God has for you. Don’t get distracted — center in on God’s will for your life.
Humor – March 16
Yes, this will make you groan…
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They’re going to call it: “Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar”
One Liner
The trouble with the rat race is even if you win, you’re still a rat
Thought for the day
“Friend, I didn’t cheat you. I paid you exactly what we agreed on. . . . What business is it of yours if I want to pay them the same that I paid you? Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money?” Matthew 20:13-15 CEV
When it looks like God’s blessing somebody in a way that he’s not blessing you, relax and trust God. Believe that he knows what’s best for you, and trust him when life seems unfair.
2 Timothy 1:7
Humor – March 13
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.
“It would go out,” he replied very matter-of-factly.
“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”
“No,” my co-worker continued. “The force from the explosion would blow out the match.”
One Liner
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Thought for the day
“Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy” Ephesians 4:24 NLT
When God wants to remove the defects in your life, he doesn’t just snap his fingers so that it happens instantly. He does it incrementally.
Humor – March 12
WWJD — What Would Jesus Drive?
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.”
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord…”
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.”
Joshua drove a sports car with a hole in its muffler, “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.”
And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”
One Liner
Bacon & eggs: Hens are involved, but pigs are committed.
Thought for the day
“Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes” Ephesians 4:23 NLT
Change requires new thinking. In order to change, we must learn the truth and start making good choices, but we also must change the way we think.
Humor – March 11
During “children’s time” in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer,asked, “How can we talk with God?”
The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, “Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God’s address?” The group said no.
Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, “Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God’s phone number?” The response was again negative.
Then the pastor displayed his laptop computer and said, “Maybe we can send God an e-mail!” A little five-year-old enthusiastically said, “Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!”
One Liner
You know you are a hillbilly when… You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
Thought for the day
“Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you” Romans 12:3 NIV
The first and greatest barrier to change in any area of your life is pride.
mikeshumor 