Customer on phone: “We need to order some four-by-twos.”

Lumber clerk: “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

Customer: “Let me check …” <silence> “… Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

Clerk: “All right. How long do you need them?”

Customer: “I’d better go check …” <silence> “… A long time. We’re gonna build a house.” 

One Liner
Went to a new restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Boss – Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.

Me – Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss – What time will you get here?

Me – Monday.

One Liner
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I might be a typo.”

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.
How about you?”

The one-dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff – church, church, church.”

One Liner
Today’s weather?  Room temperature.

Recently my 7-year-old son was baptized at nearby Lake Tahoe. With tears streaming down my face, I watched as he came out of the water, then excitedly asked if he felt any different. 

“Yeah, Mom, I do,” he replied. “Now I have water up my nose!” 

One Liner
Did you hear about the perfectionist who walked into a bar?

It was too low.

Little Betsy had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, “Honey, what does baptism mean?” 

“Well, it isn’t the water that makes you clean …” she began. 

Smiling, Mother thought, Yes, she understands, “… it’s the soap.” 

One Liner
Better living through denial!

The same guy had robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days. 

The FBI agent in charge of preventing a fourth robbery asked the nervous bank teller, “Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?” 

“Yes,” the teller replied. “I notice that each time he comes into the bank he’s much better dressed.” 

One Liner
You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn’t tackled by security.