A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

One Liner

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

While out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, I got a little wistful. 

“In ten years,” I began, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

Carolyn shrugged, “That’s okay, because in ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

One Liner

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

One Liner

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, “Boy, you’ll never get me up in one of those things.” 

One Liner

Grocery store product sign: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. 

She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and lent me her iPhone. 

So the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken, and my daughter is furious.

One Liner

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the
“no-bell” prize.

A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. “Did you steal this man’s overcoat?” he demanded. 

“No sir,” the defendant replied, with a grin. “I was just playing joke on him.”

“And where did you take the coat?” asked the judge.

“I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me.”

“Guilty,” snapped the judge. 

“Guilty! Guilty of what?” asked the defendant.

“Guilty of carrying a joke too far!”

One Liner

If you wanted people to eat something would you name it succotash?

Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I’d be happy if just one thing went down. 

Little Johnny: Dad, here’s my report card.

One Liner

My spouse says I have 2 faults. I don’t listen and…something else.

Two years after my heart attack, I was teaching my college course when I felt discomfort in my chest. I paused the class to pop my medication and felt better quickly. 

“Now, if I ever do have a heart attack,” I told my students, “I will give extra credit to whoever gives me CPR.”

One of them shouted out, “How much?”

One Liner

The best way to discourage Knock Knock jokes is just by saying, “Come in!”