Sitting on the bank of a stream a young fisherman trolled his bait lazily in the water and chewed comfortably on a blade of grass.

“Catch anything yet?” asked the stranger. 

“Nope,” murmured the fishermen. 

“That’s strange. It appears to be such a fine stream for trout,” said the stranger. 

“It must be,” replied the fishermen, “they refuse to leave it.”

One Liner

You know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.

“Boy,” said another player disgustingly, “I really hate playing cards with a bad loser.”

“He isn’t very pleasant,” another player said, raking in the chips, “but it’s better than playing with a good winner.”

One Liner

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

The local hunting guide got his party hopelessly lost in the mountains and they were upset: “You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!”

“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”

One Liner

Here’s a bit of advice for you: Advi.

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can’t even hold a pen.”

“Certainly sir,’ said the younger man, “I’d be glad to.”

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘P.S., please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.’?”

One Liner

Consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one will say individually.

QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic.

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix.

One Liner

2020: Stay away from negative people. 
2021: Stay away from positive people.

THE VIRUS HAS HIT EVERYBODY REALLY HARD.

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

One Liner

Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who knew??

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink. 

“Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked. 

“I did, and that’s what got me into trouble,” the accountant replied. “I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it.”

One Liner

I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.