My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

today’sThot============================

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. One morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a small boat pulling out toward him!

When the boat arrived, its occupant handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and said: “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

One Liner

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

During a business trip to Boeing’s Everett, Washington factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.

Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked “14,000 lbs.”

But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight.

Imprinted there was the warning: “Remove before flight.”

One Liner

A dog’s life wouldn’t be too bad … all a dog has to worry about is the toilet seat falling on it’s head.

A proud father never tired of telling how smart his son Arthur was. 

“Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn’t say it until he was fifty!”

One Liner

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

One Easter, a father was teaching his son to drive when out of nowhere a rabbit jumped on the road. 

Slamming on the brakes, the son said, “I nearly ruined Easter! I almost ran over the Easter Bunny.” 

His father replied, “It’s okay son—you missed it by a hare.”

One Liner

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled!

I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) 

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. 

I don’t have to go to school or work. 

I get an allowance every month. 

I have my own pad. 

I don’t have a curfew. 

I have a driver’s license and my own car. 

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. 

Life is great. 

When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation. 

I don’t have gray hair, I have “wisdom highlights.”

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. 

At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 

One Liner

Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

A lawyer’s dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast. 

The butcher heads over to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer replies, “Absolutely,” and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages. 

A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: “$175 due for a consultation.”

One Liner

Why is it at class reunions, you always feel so much younger than everyone else looks?