Arnold had just received his new driver’s license. The family heads out to the driveway, and climbs in the car.  Arnold is going to take them for a ride for the first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat and sits directly behind the newly-minted driver.

“Hey Dad, I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all the months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

Dad replies, “Nope, just start driving.  I’m gonna do like you’ve been doing to me all these years. I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat.

One Liner

A thief broke into police headquarters and stole all of the toilets. The police have nothing to go on.

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress.

The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

“You’re not losing a daughter,” I reminded her in time-honored fashion. “You’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

One Liner

Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening. 

Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn’t worried at all about serving his full term.

The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early.

Jimmy replied, “Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence the whole time I’ve been married!”

One Liner

Prayer is the original wireless communication

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God’s command and “Go forth, be fruitful and multiply.”

He’s about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”

The snakes reply, “That command doesn’t apply to us.”

Noah shakes his head and asks why.

“We don’t,” said the snakes, “we’re adders.”

One Liner

You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do.

Darling,” said the husband to his new bride, “I am not casting any reflections on your cooking, but I sure wish you could learn to make the kinda of bread my mother use to make.”

“I don’t think that should be too difficult,” she said sweetly, “If you will learn to make the dough my father used to make.”

One Liner

The reason reusable shopping bags last so long is that we forget to take them back to shop with.

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.” Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it.

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

One Liner

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your twin brother forgets your birthday.