Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.
“Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag,” replied Tony.
“That was very kind of you,” Johnny added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”
Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”
One Liner
Love may not make the world go ’round, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.
“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5
We enter into this weekend remembering the pain and suffering of the cross, and all that Jesus endured so we could be set free. He paid the price to offer us the gift of eternal life.
Let us never take for granted this sacrificial gift of love on our behalf. Forgive us for being too busy, or distracted by other things, to not fully recognize what He freely gave for us. It is by your wounds we are healed.
Sin and death have been conquered.
And eternal life is ours forever!
Thank you Jesus!
The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.
“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”
One Liner
Kids only want high-technology toys nowadays. My niece has an imaginary playmate that requires batteries.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’
‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s heavy.’
One Liner
I’ve gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
A guy hears a knock at the door.
He opens it up to find a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
Five years go by.
One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail.
The snail says, “What the heck was that about?!”
One Liner
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. “Give me the full treatment,” the man said. “I want to look good in the parade!”
After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. “I’m going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was done and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “It looks like your daddy forgot all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, “Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!”
One Liner
When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy…about 10 years shy.
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