Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup.

While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.”

“Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”

One Liner

Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won’t light.

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. 

“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. 

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. 

“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.” 

“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free.”

One Liner

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

Kid:  “Dad, I’m tired. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Dad: “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

Kid: “That’s okay, but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

One Liner

I cleaned the house today, so if you could stop living there, that’d be great.

Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”

Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”

One Liner

If you know me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. We were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read:

“The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his
parents.”

One Liner

Dropping Latin phrases into conversations to make me sound smart is my modus
operandi.