A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
One Liner
It disgusts me the way some people cheat on their income taxes. This is NOT the kind of world in which I want to raise my 32 dependents!
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
I replied, “Sure, it does. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
One Liner
A co-worker asked me, Could you be any more annoying? So, the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
At a job Interview…
“What are your strengths?”
“I take matters in my own hands.”
“Okay, thank you. We will contact you.”
“No, I will contact you.”
One Liner
Dont be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.
“I’d like a little brother,” a boy said.
“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”
“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”
One Liner
Do you think when fish get thrown back by fisherman, they start yelling about alien abductions and the other fish stop talking to them?
Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asks, “What are you in for?”
The first kid says, “a circumcision.”
The second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”
One Liner
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you’re a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you’re a vegetarian.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections
One Liner
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the
bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
“whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is” group.
My wife claims I’m a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.
I told her she’s way off base
One Liner
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Pastor to Farmer: “I missed seeing you at service on Sunday.”
Farmer to Pastor: “Well, I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit in a hay baler thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”
One Liner
I went into the Hokey Pokey clinic and I turned myself around.
mikeshumor 