Grown-up: “What do you want for your birthday this year?”
Kid: “I’d like a little brother.”
Grown-up: “Oh my, that’s a big wish! Why do you want a little brother?”
Kid: “Well, there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”
One Liner
I got a call from a scammer who said, “I’ve got all of your passwords.”
I said, “Great. What are they? I’ll grab a pen.”
The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.
“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.
“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the dean much impressed.
“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”
One Liner
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus? But it’s Sunday. And you’re 46.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
One Liner
I’m gonna be as useless at the “g” in lasagna today.
Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.
A big crowd gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began but no one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as:
“Oh, WAY too difficult!!”
“They will NEVER make it to the top.”
“Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!”
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one, except for those who, in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher.
The crowd continued to yell, “It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!”
More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But one continued higher and higher and higher. He just wouldn’t give up!
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!
All of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it. A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal.
It turned out that the winner was deaf.
One Liner
Every problem is a new opportunity. If you think you can, you might. If you think you can’t, you’re right.
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YA GOTTA BE DEAD!”
One Liner
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so rude.
THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOFING
~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction:
on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”
~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr.
Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
~ Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House.” I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word “sheep.”
~ In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley’s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
~ The marriage of Miss Freda Van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
One Liner
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, 鄭isle B, back.”
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the world if he served as a policeman for a while before taking on a congregation.
He studied hard and passed the exams; worked himself buff to pass the physical; and then came the all-important final interview.
One question was: “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He promptly responded, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.
One Liner
I heard the word “icy” was easy to spell. Looking at it now I can see why.
Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
“Did you play sports in college,” his wife then asked me.
“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”
“That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”
One Liner
My goal this weekend is to move just enough so no one thinks I’m dead.
LIVEGOOD
With a commitment to helping people, LiveGood brings you the most advanced nutritional supplements on the market, made with only the purest, highest quality, results-driven ingredients on the planet, without the expensive pricing mark-ups of other companies.
Many decide on becoming a member of LiveGood which allows you to get wholesale Member pricing on all of our LiveGood products!
Membership is simple. Click Here to find out more
mikeshumor 