I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn, because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself.  So when I got to the first window,  I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I’d done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed “Thank you,” obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food, too.

Lesson: Don’t honk your horn at old people.

One Liner

I’ve changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”

The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”

“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

One Liner

If you want to save face, just keep the lower part shut.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam.  He picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Pencils flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled; some students wrote over 30 pages.

One student finished in less than a minute. He earned an A for his two word answer: “What chair?”

One liner

Old age comes at a bad time. You finally know everything just in time to forget it.

A five-year-old boy had never spoken a word, ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “Soup’s cold.”

She was astonished, and said, “Honey, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?”

The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything’s been okay.”

One Liner

A friend asked what parenting toddlers is like. So, I hid her keys, headbutted her in the face, and then told her I love her more than the stars.

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the movie theater, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog’s owner, “Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed!”

“Yes, I can’t believe it myself,” came the reply. “He hated the book.”

One Liner

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

A trusted aid was counseling the senator, “Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you.”

The senator replied, “Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I’ll turn around and agree with them.”

One Liner

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.