A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

“Morris,” said grandma, “You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years! How come you get lost today?”

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,

“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”

One Liner

As a Superhero I would be “Typoman” … the writer of wrongs!

A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. 

After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner. 

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to McDonald’s with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. 

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?” 

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!!”

One Liner

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They crack themselves up.

A lady lost her handbag.  It was found by an honest little boy who returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “That’s funny.   When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “Yes. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.

One Liner

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.

The cable installer applicant shows up to the interview 45 minutes late.

Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

One Liner

The app that counts my steps asked if I’ve died.

YOU’RE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

~ You give directions by references: “Turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks past Anderson’s,  and it’s four houses left of the track field.”

~ You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-girlfriend.

~ The town next to you is considered “trashy” or “snooty,” but is actually just like your town.

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling’s name.

~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

One Liner

I married Mr. Right. I just didn’t know his first name was “Always.”

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.'”

One Liner

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Does old sour cream go good? 

She: “Do I look fat?”
He: “…do I look stupid?”

One Liner

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You are one of them.

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

One Liner

Do not accept a friend request from Hormel Foods. It could be spam.