Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes…

And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

One Liner

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”

Father: “What, son?”

College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”

Father: “I certainly do.”

College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

One Liner

I couldn’t hear you, so I’ll just laugh and hope it wasn’t a question.

The wife phones.

Husband: “Hi!”

Wife: “Hi! Did you clean the house?”

Husband: “Uhh
YUP!”

Wife: “Okay, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

Husband: “Yes, about 2 hours.”

One Liner

I didn’t mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heir line.

One Liner

I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away more as an adult that I ever did as a child.

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

One Liner

The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. 

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!” 

“Oh my gosh,” cries the man in a panic, “What are you going to do?!”

Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” 

“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

One Liner

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Husband: Can we change the subject?

Wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

One Liner

Everyone can bring joy — some by arriving, others by leaving.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

One Liner

A generous army general walked into a bar and ordered everyone around.