Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn’t worried at all about serving his full term.

The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early.

Jimmy replied, “Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence the whole time I’ve been married!”

One Liner

Prayer is the original wireless communication

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God’s command and “Go forth, be fruitful and multiply.”

He’s about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”

The snakes reply, “That command doesn’t apply to us.”

Noah shakes his head and asks why.

“We don’t,” said the snakes, “we’re adders.”

One Liner

You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do.

Darling,” said the husband to his new bride, “I am not casting any reflections on your cooking, but I sure wish you could learn to make the kinda of bread my mother use to make.”

“I don’t think that should be too difficult,” she said sweetly, “If you will learn to make the dough my father used to make.”

One Liner

The reason reusable shopping bags last so long is that we forget to take them back to shop with.

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.” Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it.

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

One Liner

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your twin brother forgets your birthday.

After leaving the racetrack, Joe bumped into his old friend Jon on the bus. 

“Say,” Jon said, “How’s it going?” 

“Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me, what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh.” 

“Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” 

“Let me guess,” Jon interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” 

“Right.”

“And he won!” Jon sighed.

“No. He came in seventh.”

One Liner

Did you hear about the fellow who sat up all night wondering where the sun went at night? It finally dawned on him.

As the church service got underway, the minister said to the congregation, “Let us pray.” Then in his very preacher-sounding voice, he began, “Father, we know we are but dust…” 

During the short pause before the next phrase of the prayer, a child’s loud whisper could be heard, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”  

The prayerful mood was lost as embarrassed snickers turned into loud guffaws and needless to say, the minister never finished that prayer.  

One Liner

People think “icy” is the easiest word to spell… Come to think of it, I see why.

I had a job offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the interview on business class. 

During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.

After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a flight attendant approached me if I wanted her to dispose of the bag.

I said, “No thanks, I’m saving it for my kids.”

One Liner

Traffic alert: A big rig carrying a load of Vicks Vapo-Rub overturned on the highway this morning. Police report there has been no congestion in the area for 8 hours. 

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other.

One Liner

You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.