Joan: Herb, if you don’t stop snoring, I’m going to toss you out on your ear!

John: Does it upset you that much?

Joan: Not just me, the entire congregation.

One Liner

If trees could talk, lumberjacks would need intense therapy.

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.” Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it.

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!

One Liner

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your twin brother forgets your birthday.

Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, “Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?”

“Okay. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?”

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

One Liner

I can’t believe I didn’t go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row.

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons–a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake.

The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember What Would Jesus Do. She said that Jesus would say: “Let my brother have the first pancake.”

The 5-yr-old quickly turned to the 3-yr-old and said, “You play Jesus.”

One Liner

Apparently, you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

Little Johnny’s family had guests for dinner. 

The dessert was apple pie. Mom cut the pieces and Little Johnny carried them to the table. 

He gave the first piece to Dad, who passed it to a guest. 

Little Johnny came in with the second piece and gave it to Dad, who again gave it to a guest. 

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”

One Liner

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.

Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”

One Liner

What is Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, “What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?”

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, “Take off your boots, sir, and count them yourself.”

One Liner

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of ignorant.

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress.

The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

“You’re not losing a daughter,” I reminded her in time-honored fashion. “You’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

One Liner

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”