“We don’t have many celebrities in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” 

“Really? What’d he do?”

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

One Liner

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

One Liner

My friends and I have named our band Duvet. It’s a cover band.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

One Liner

You know what wakes you up faster than coffee? Spilled coffee.

A young boy went to church for the first time. His grandpa asked how he liked it.

The youngster’s review: “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”

One Liner

What’s worse than a chip breaking off in the dip? The second chip on a rescue mission breaking, too.

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”

One Liner

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter’s room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet. 

 “What are you doing?” he asked her. 
 
She explained, “I’m saying my prayers, but I couldn’t think of just what I wanted to say. So I’m just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best.” 

One Liner

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey 

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” 

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, “Well, how was that?” 

The airplane pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!” The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. 

After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?” 

The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?” 

The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.”

One Liner

Do they allow a loud laugh in Hawaii or just a low ha?