“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Frobisher’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

One Liner

Day 12 without chocolate…lost hearing in my left eye.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”

One Liner

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it. 

A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. He asks the proprietor, “You know the expression, ‘You should say it with flowers’?”

“How about three dozen of my finest roses?” the florist asks.

“Make it a half dozen roses,” the man answers. “I’m a man of few words.”

One Liner

Good news! The Lego Store has reopened! People are lined up for blocks!!

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”

Father: “Really?  What’s the good news?”

College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”

Father: “I certainly do.”

College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

One Liner

Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder — and your hand over my mouth.

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?”

Jerry answered, “Dad says ‘Go easy on the butter, kids – it’s three bucks a pound!'”

One Liner

Hold on while I overthink this.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,

“Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

One Liner

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.

An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The airhead remembered what had said: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” 

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes. 

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The airhead explained what Dad said. 

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

One Liner

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

Here’s hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

One Liner

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up!