All posts by mikeshumor
Humor – April 22
Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then says, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
One Liner
Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
Humor – April 21
A ship engine failed and no one could fix it, so they brought in a guy with 40 years experience. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine burst back into life.
The engine was fixed!
Seven days later the owners got his bill for $10,000.
“What?!” the owners said. “You hardly did anything. Send us an itemized bill.”
The reply simply said:
Tapping with a hammer: $2
Knowing where to tap: $9,998
One Liner
A fool and his money are never around when you need them.
Humor – April 20
“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the
leftover meatloaf on the table from last night’s supper.
“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people
would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of
yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking
the Lord for this delicious meal.”
“Thank you, Lord, for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister
submissively, “..AGAIN!”
One Liner
Espresso may not be the answer, but it’s worth a shot.
Humor – April 19
People you do not want to hear say “OOPS!”
Your surgeon.
Your dentist.
Your nurse.
Your hairdresser.
Your mechanic.
Your gardener.
Your tax accountant.
The computer tech person.
The house painter.
The pilot.
The crew installing your roof.
One Liner
If you’re having dinner with chess champion Magnus Carlsen, do not use a checkered tablecloth. It’ll take him two hours to pass the salt.
Humor – April 18
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK
Gross pay: $1,222.02
Income Tax: $244.40
Outgo Tax: $45.21
State Tax: $61.10
Interstate Tax: $5.89
County Tax: $6.11
City Tax: $12.22
Rural Tax: $4.44
Back Tax: $1.11
Front Tax: $1.16
Side Tax: $1.61
Up Tax: $2.22
Down Tax: $1.11
Tic-Tacs: $1.98
Thumbtacks: $3.93
Carpet Tacks: $.98
Stadium Tax: $.69
Flat Tax: $8.32
Surtax: $3.46
Ma’am Tax: $2.60
Parking Fee: $5.00
No Parking Fee: $10.00
F.I.C.A.: $81.88
T.G.I.F.: $9.95
Life Insurance: $5.85
Health Insurance: $16.23
Disability: $2.50
Ability: $.25
Liability: $3.41
Dental Insurance: $4.50
Mental Insurance: $4.33
Reassurance: $.11
Coffee: $6.85
Coffee Cups: $66.51
Calendar: $3.06
Floor Rental: $16.85
Chair Rental: $.32
Desk Rental: $4.32
Union Dues: $5.85
Union Don’ts: $3.77
Cash Advances: $.69
Cash Retreats: $121.35
Overtime: $1.26
Undertime: $54.83
Eastern Time: $9.00
Central Time: $8.00
Mountain Time: $7.00
Pacific Time:$6.00
GMT: $24.00
Time Out: $12.21
Oxygen: $10.02
Water: $16.54
Electricity: $38.23
Heat: $51.42
Air: $46.83
Miscellaneous: $154.54
Take Home Pay: $0000.02
(This is where the expression “my 2 cents” came from…)
One Liner
People with hearing aids can mute you in real life.
Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has RISEN; he is not here. See the place where they laid him. Mark 16:6 ESV
Good Friday
The Crucifixion of Jesus
25 It was nine in the morning when they crucified him. 26 The written notice of the charge against him read: the king of the jews.
27 They crucified two rebels with him, one on his right and one on his left. [28] [a] 29 Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, “So! You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, 30 come down from the cross and save yourself!” 31 In the same way the chief priests and the teachers of the law mocked him among themselves. “He saved others,” they said, “but he can’t save himself! 32 Let this Messiah, this king of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe.” Those crucified with him also heaped insults on him.
The Death of Jesus
33 At noon, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. 34 And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).[b]
35 When some of those standing near heard this, they said, “Listen, he’s calling Elijah.”
36 Someone ran, filled a sponge with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. “Now leave him alone. Let’s see if Elijah comes to take him down,” he said.
37 With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last.
Mark 15:25-37
Humor – April 14
Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease.
There was an occasion when we had lunch in an authentic Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.
She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.
“I’m afraid to ask,” she said, “but tell me anyway.”
Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, “This is a cheap dish – but good.”
One Liner
In my car in the mall parking lot and a lady can’t find her car. Every time she holds her key in the air, I honk my horn.
Humor – April 13
A little boy had been pawing over a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”
The boy shook his head and answered, “Got anything like a blank report card?”
One Liner
A toddler saw a heavily-tattooed man and exclaimed, “I bet his mother took away all HIS markers!”
