SIGNS YOU’RE OVERDOING THANKSGIVING

~ Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.

~ You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

~ The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!

~ The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.

~ Your “Old Elvis Super-Belt” won’t even go around your waist.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

One Liner

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.

THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY

~ Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your shirt (males only), shoes and socks at the dinner table.

~ Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

~ Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud “BUZZ”ing noise.

~ Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

~ Hold your nose while you eat.

~ Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

~ At mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See Mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice, you were worried for nothing.”

~ Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. 

~ When you arrive, promise that your date won’t be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

One Liner

There’s always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how thankful I am that I’m not a turkey.

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. “I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”

One Liner

He knew everything, but that’s all.

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” 

“Is that so?” snorted Mr. Smith. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

One Liner

Dogs must think their masters are hypocrites for constantly using the restroom in the house.

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. 

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.” 

“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied, “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

One Liner

If I were a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with his wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.  

The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.  

After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time.  Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. 

As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, “Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!” 

As he waved back, Dad said loudly, “What’s the good news?”   

“Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!” the boy shouted.  

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man’s son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

One Liner

A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think of that? No. You only think of yourself.

The man’s wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.

One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

One Liner

A chicken nugget is a meatball. And nothing can change that fact.