A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” Mom asked.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.’

One Liner
Okay, so I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. 

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll shoot you.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. 

The Ranger asked a local to translate his message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger anxiously. The local answered, He say, “He no afraid to die!”

One Liner
Dogs welcome. People tolerated.

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.” 

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. 

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”  

One Liner
If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Guy 1: “Has your little boy decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”

Guy 2: “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector.”

Guy 1: “That’s a rather strange ambition, isn’t it?”

Guy 2: “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays.”

One Liner
One nice thing about going the extra mile: It’s never crowded.

An airhead walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny
object on sale. He asks the shop assistant, “What is that?”

The assistant responds, “It’s a thermos.”

“What does it do?”

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” So the airhead buys one. 

The next day he brings the thermos to work with him. His boss, also an
airhead, asks, “What’s the shiny object?”

“It’s a thermos.”

“What does it do?” 

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

His boss then asks, “What do you have in there?”

The airhead replies, “Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.”

One Liner
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local
zoo.

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor — it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. 

“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” begged the attorney. 

“Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the funeral home.”

One Liner
“Mugging” is when somebody steals your coffee.