My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though.

“Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”

They shot in the air three times, but no one came.

After a while, they tried it again.

Still no response.

When they decided to try once more, Bubba said, “It better work this time. We’re down to our last three arrows.”

One Liner
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A Quaker farmer was milking his cow when she switched him in the face with her tail.  

He patiently said, “Cow, thou shalt not do that.”  

He kept milking until she kicked and sent the half-filled milk pail tumbling across the barn, spilling and ruining the milk.  

The farmer went around to face the cow and took her horns in his big, calloused hands.  He looked at her and said, “Cow, thou knowest that I am a Quaker and that I cannot strike thee.  But cow, thou also must know that I can sell thee to a Baptist.”

One Liner
On a church sign: Church parking only.  Violators will be baptized.

ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
Part 2

~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 
~ Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. 
~ Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none. 
~ Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. 
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. 
~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’. 
~ Always drink upstream from the herd. 
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. 
~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in. 
~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

One Liner
I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
Part 1

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.  
~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. 
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. 
~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled. 
~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight. 
~ Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads. 
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. 
~ It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. 
~ You can’t unsay a cruel word. 
~ Every path has a few puddles. 
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. 
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway. 

One Liner
I was gong to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

A motorist was about two hours from San Diego when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”                  

“Sure am,” answered the man, “Do you need a lift?” 

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.” 

“I’d be happy to,” said the motorist. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the man’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the motorist walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the big crowd. 

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the man. “What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!” 

“Yes, I know you did,” said the man. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

One Liner
If a woman’s work is never done, why bother?

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. “You know you’re the only one for me!” 
9. “Do you come here often?” 
8. “Trust me, this was meant to be!” 
7. “Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!” 
6. “I already feel like you’re a part of me!” 
5. “Honey, you were made for me!” 
4. “Why don’t you come over to my place and we can name some animals?” 
3. “You’re the girl of my dreams!” (Gen. 2:21) 2. “I like a girl who doesn’t mind being ribbed!” 

And the number one pick up line from Adam is: 
“You’re the apple of my eye!” *

* I realize that the Bible says that Adam and Eve ate of the “fruit”, not “apple,” but gee guys, apple is funnier!

One Liner
Myrrh:  A type of perfume or incense; the second gift of the Magi; a great scrabble word when you are out of vowels.

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. 

Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, “Dear, he just doesn’t seem like the all-American boy you’ve dated before. He’s not really that nice.” 

“Oh come on, Mom,” replied the daughter. “If he wasn’t that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” 

One Liner
I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason. 

“What kind of pie do you call this?” asked one student indignantly to the cafeteria attendent.

“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.

“Glue!”

“Then it’s apple pie. The plum pie tastes like soap.”

One Liner
How to prepare Tofu: 
1. Throw it in the trash
2. Grill some meat