A burglar broke into a house. He hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” 

He turns to look around and doesn’t see anyone so he proceeds to look through the house to see what he can steal. Again, he hears the voice saying, “Jesus knows you are here.” 

He is so startled he jumps and looks around again but does not see anything. He proceeds to unhook the TV and the voice says, “Jesus has his eyes on you.” 

The burglar is startled again and shines his flashlight around the room. He then spots a parrot sitting on a perch in the corner.  He says to the parrot, “Did you just say that?” 

The parrot answers, “Yes.” 

The burglar disgustingly says, “Well, I am not going to listen to a parrot — who do you think you are?” 

The parrot answers, “Moses.” 

The burglar says, “What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?” 

The parrot answers, “The same kind of people that named their Rottweiler Jesus.” 

One Liner
How do you think the unthinkable? You think it with an itheberg.

My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was “it.” After a few minutes, I was able to locate all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but couldn’t find me. Finally one of my sons got a bright idea.

He got his mom’s phone. They found me immediately when my cellphone started ringing.

One Liner
If you get an email that says “Find out what everyone is talking about in 2020” don’t open it – it’s a virus.

While walking in the park one day, I was taking in the beautiful lake, blooming flowers, and just enjoying the oversized wide path that I could walk on but on which people could also jog, run their dogs or ride their bikes. 

As I was coming down a hill, I saw an older woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it. “We’re coming to a hill,” the presumable grandmother said to the children, “so you’ll have to help me — are you ready?” 

I wondered how those little toddlers would be of any assistance, but as I passed them, I heard them earnestly repeating: “I think I can, I think I can…” 

One Liner
I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Five things you don’t want to hear from Tech Support:

1. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”

2. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”

3. “Your problem can be fixed, but you’re going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.”

4. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ’60 Minutes.’ Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”

5. “Hold on a second, please … Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”

One Liner
I avoid clichés like the plague.

A burglar broke into the home of a good Quaker gentleman.

From upstairs, the Quaker heard the noises below and realized there was an intruder.

He took his hunting rifle to the top of the stairs and announced: “Friend, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot.”

One Liner
Don’t just tell me I’m burning the candle at both ends — tell me where to get more wax!!

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

“What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide.

“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard.”

“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied simply, “One.”

One Liner
I don’t run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word “mongooses.” Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”

One Liner
If fortunetellers know the future, how come it’s so difficult to find a happy medium? 

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”

One Liner
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. 

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:

She: “What do you want, Sonny?”

He: “D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma’am?”

She: “Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?”

He: “S-s-sorry, Ma’am … W-w-what about vinegar bottles?” 

One Liner
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.