Two tips for Christmas:

One: Forget the past, you can’t change it

Two: Forget the present, I didn’t get you one

One Liner
Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats.” 

CATS’ FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

1. Up on the Mousetop

2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

3. Joy to the Curled

4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

5. The First Meow

6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

7. Silent Mice

8. Fluffy, the Snowman

9. Jingle Balls

10. Wreck the Halls

One Liner
A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

* Olive, the other reindeer.

* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say 

* Sleep in heavenly peas 

* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown 

* You’ll go down in listerine 

* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay 

* Come, froggy faithful 

* You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

One Liner
What is King Wenceslas’ favorite pizza?
One that’s deep pan, crisp, and even.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: (Part 1)

* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly 

* We three kings of porridge and tar

* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me 

* Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

* He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.

* Noel, noel, noel, noel; Barney’s the king of Israel.

* With the jelly toast proclaim

One Liner
No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them

Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

Soon we started getting cards from friends signed “The Modest Morrisons,” “The Clever Clarks,” and “The Successful Smiths.”

Then it hit me.

I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with “Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs.”

One Liner
Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.

 CHRISTMAS LETTER FROM JESUS

When you look for me at Christmas, you won’t need a special star.

I’m no longer just in Bethlehem, I’m right here where you are.

You may not be aware of me amid the celebrations.

You’ll have to look beyond the stores and all the decorations.

But if you take a moment from your list of things to do,

To close your eyes and say a prayer, I’m waiting here for you.

You’re the one I want to be with.  You’re the reason that I came!

And you’ll find me in the stillness

Where I’m whispering your name.

One Liner
Dance like Frosty. Shine like Rudolph. Give like Santa. Love like Jesus