My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won’t forget, she writes “feed cells” on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in “take cells for a walk.”

By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: “Take cells to Disneyland,” “Cells on vacation,” “Cells back” and, on Yom Kippur, “Jewish cells get the day off.”

One Liner
A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. 

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?” 

The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” 

The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.” 

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst. 

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?” 

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!!”   

The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible…I had him chained to a transmission.”

One Liner
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing. 

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. 

Turning to a co-worker he said, “I wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?” 

One Liner
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered. 

“I’d like to talk to your mother or father,” said the teacher. 

“Sorry, but they ain’t here,” he told her. 

“Jimmy!” she said, “what is it with your grammar?” 

“Beats me,” Jimmy replied, “but dad sure was mad that they had t’go bail her out again!”

One Liner
What did one autumn leaf say to another? I’m falling for you.

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him. 

The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, “Hi, you have reached 555-9851. I can’t come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone.” 

One Liner
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

The flight attendant on the trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As the young man stepped forward, she playfully offered some to him. 

He passed, pointing to the Airborne wings on his Army uniform. He explained, “The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.”

One Liner
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart?

Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three.

One Liner
Editing is a rewording activity.

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at George’s residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

[REMINDER…This is only humor, not advice…]

One Liner
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.