I called a friend and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on “aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment.”

I was impressed…

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

One Liner
Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough. 

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

One Liner
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.” 

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah…no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.” 

“No!” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get in!” 

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.  

Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park, and I want yours.” 

One Liner
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

Two airheads at a gas station:

Airhead #1: “These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!”

Airhead #2: “It doesn’t affect me at all; I always put in just $20 worth.”

One Liner
A harp is a piano with no clothes on.

While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” 

“Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. 

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” 

“Yes, that’s right,” I told her. 

“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?” 

One Liner
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” 

Tech: “Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?”

User: (describes problem)

Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)

User: “Sorry, I don’t understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”

Tech: “Okay: ‘Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?’ “

One Liner
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.